Diary of A Single Man: Loyalty & Expectations

In the public, during red carpet events where one hand gives under the flashing lights of cameras, the other hand takes in the shadows. The unfair exchange that’s rarely seen nor detected unless you’re apart of the inner ghoulish circle. 

I think I’ve gotten enough egg on my face and felt everything there needs to be felt. I don’t think I can expect to experience a feeling I haven’t experienced already. I’m still trying to find different ways to release the pain, sorrow, while groping in the dark desperately in search for a panacea and a brighter tomorrow. 

Diary of A Single Man: Loyalty & Expectations

Loyalty & Foolish Expectations:

When I had gotten married it meant the world to me. I married for love but it quickly transformed and turned out to be nothing more than a reformatted spreadsheet, you see. The highlight for me was the symbolic loyalty of the ring and the foolish expectation it was suppose to bring. It was an opportunity to be in a position to make a statement to the world, that someone found me to be interesting enough and chose me to be a life long companion. To be apart of such a fraternity and to be considered is one thing but to be chosen and viewed as being marriage material and trustworthy of being that special someone for life, places one totally in a different category. The thought of it was earth shaking and ground breaking enough to have a seat, ponder over it and take it all in slowly. To be a life long partner like Nana and Papa for 53+ years was merely a fantasy. It was my life long dream to duplicate, and to mirror the commitment and dedication as my grandparents. To take a relationship to the next level; to protect, to serve and create a family based on that foundation/principle. To stand for something and to uphold a particular oath and point of view which meant a great deal. Then the reality set in. The dream quickly became the feared nightmare. Drama became a familiar reality. Now, I cringe to the words marriage and commitment. Like an unbalanced scale, I hesitate at the thought of being involved in a relationship. The scary and frightening part is growing together and changing then growing apart from each other. Over the years I’ve become numb to this idea and possibly have branded myself as a noticeable trademark of pain and suffering.

Today, for the most part, it’s pay 4 play. It’s like being a active player at a local or famous strip club with a cash machine installed inside. The cacophony in a crowded nightclub drowns out the DJ’s announcement. We all know the drill, once the music stops the party is over.  As soon as your money runs out some dash for the exit and the women seek out the next lap to sit on. Either way, some poor sap is left with the tab; a bill to pay with a uneasy thought of what just had happened. Marriage which equals divorce, is best defined as, death of a family. It quickly becomes the new frontier of welfare reform which supplements a particular lifestyle. It’s one of life’s penalties for paying for a good time. 

Now it’s pizza and Pepsi along with a full length mirror to observe the stomach growth show. Side view included. A show which eventually grows out of control. Bad food becomes a replacement killer for love. Hence, another family member joining trailer park america. One may even find themselves signing up at a local temp agency called, “Temp Work Solutions”.  The name itself is revealing. It has a message within a message. 

Symbolically, and metaphorically speaking  it’s a lifestyle comparison of show dogs and mutts. Show dogs have a love affair for the big stage. They have to be seen, publicly and rewarded for their effort. They often show off and run off after the next treat. A mutt, well a mutt knows its place. Its loyalty is like no other.

I should tell you I can only think about one major decision of life at a time? Should I’ve kept this all to myself?

Diary of A Single Man: Loyalty & Expectations

If God is perfect and doesn’t make mistakes then why are there flaws in nature and in people?

Swimming in a shark tank with a two faced priest
Living in a restricted community
She didn’t want the L.D.
She just wanted to be held
The young neophyte searched for his father for years
He never once considered his dad to be the German Shepherd

I chuckled to myself yesterday and said, God has jokes. The truth of the matter is, the joke has always been on me. It’s publicly know my number # 1 fear is losing my woman to another woman. Hence, I find myself in love with 3 women. 2 of them don’t know I exist. While the other one flirts with me or should I say, she allows me to flirt with her. God has this sobering effect on reality. The woman who allows me to flirt with her has a best friend better known as her other half/bestie. She calls her Daddy. It took me a minute to grasp all she was trying to share with me but I was too pigheaded to comprehend. I saw only what I wanted to see despite of all that was in my face. 

Intermission from reality

No-one has ever touched me like I touched myself. Then she entered the room and dispelled the myth. It was like an enlighten ray of sunshine faintly piercing through the window blinds, as she smiled and unfolded her legs. It appeared to be an open invitation to healing and so much more. The room instantly became heavenly, lit. The entire world stopped for a while. It was something you’d have to experience for yourself. I became a witness to one of gods greatest creation of all time.

I then offered her a gentle touch. Looked into her bedroom ocean blue eyes pulling her closely to my chest. As I held her in my arms her hand ran softly across my shoulders, caressing the small of my back, making me want to give her my heart, body and mind. I held my breath then placed my lips upon her check & neck. I felt her body become light and limp like a deer in a lions mouth. I then devoured her like so many delicious cinnamon honey buns that had gone down before. Listening to her high pitched squeals of delight filled my mind with a craving for strips of, turkey bacon.
 When she moved her bottom around it looked like two piglets fighting in a sack. How to plan my point of attack? We became stuck together like two lust filled alley cats in heat in a doorway oblivious to everything around them but the throbbing instrument splitting her in half.  


Heaven is at the foot of Mother…












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